MATTHEW PRINCE - Full E-Mail update record... (Part 3 of 3, Click here to go to Part 1)

God’s Grace remains uchanged. His Love remains unchanged. His Sovereignty remains unchanged. Matthew’s condition is changed. Our story is changed, significantly. I have decided to start a new page...

Matthew Prince PRAYER NEED! Wed, May 10, 2006, 8:16 AM EST

Please pray for Matthew. We are not sure what is causing this, but on Sunday (5/7) Matthew started having double vision. He should be able to get in to see the Dr. some time today. It has been less than a month since the last MRI and there was no indication of any more tumor activity. We are hoping that this is the result of fatigue and exertion during the final weeks of the semester. Matthew has been pretty good about getting enough rest and even taking a nap most evenings before hitting the books again. Anita drove to Nashville yesterday. It is hard for me to be 200 miles away and only be able to talk with him on the phone when I want to hug him tightly and never let go. There is some comfort in knowing that Anita is able to be with him. Please pray that we will be able to find out what is causing this and that it will be nothing too serious. As soon as we have an idea, I will send a follow-up email.

Wed, May 10, 2006, 4:04 PM EST

Spoke with Matthew a little while ago. Dr. Moots saw him this afternoon. There is an area of visual loss in both eyes. The Dr. suspects that there may be some neurological event that is causing this. Matthew is having an MRI right now as I write. It is hard to not be there with he and Anita. My heart is very heavy. We will get the results on Friday. Please pray that there is NOT more tumor activity. It has only been three weeks since the last MRI and the Drs. described that one as “pristine”. I will most likely go up to Nashville for the appointment on Friday. Did not expect this. Please Pray.

Ray, for all...

P.S. The entire e-mail record of our journey with this tumor is available at http://www.bereachurch.org/MatthewFull.htm (it is in two parts). Sorry, our webpage is several months out of date, but this part is up to date.

 

Matthew Prince UPDATE – Fri, May 12, 2006, 1:59 PM CST

Today’s news from the Doctor is not good. During the exam, Matthew’s impairment was very evident. When we finally got to the MRI our fears were confirmed. There is new tumor activity. We are heartbroken. Again, Matthew seems to be handling all of this better than his dad. Anita is hanging in there. She seems to be more emotionally withdrawn than me. With all that we have been through with Matthew, losing her sister to a brain tumor on Dec 13th, the turmoil at church that began just over a year ago and the families we have lost, and now a recurrence of tumor activity – it has been very tough on her. I verbalize in the e-mails and find some emotional outlet there. She has a few close friends that she talks with for support, but I guess we all handle things differently. Yep, it has been a tough year.

About the new tumor activity – there is nothing that is clear and circumscribed (but then the borders of the initial tumor were not as clear either). There is indication on the MRI of swelling below the original tumor location and at the top of the brain stem. The visual impairment and deterioration of muscle control in and around the eye would be a natural result of compression of the nerves at the top of the brain stem. Again, there is no clearly identifiable mass, but there is very clear indication of abnormalities. The tumor board that meets every Monday to review and discuss the cases will look at the MRI’s and hear the results of the neuro-exam at that time. They may opt to suggest that a biopsy be taken to give a more clear pathology of the two areas in question. It is almost certain that Matthew’s chemotherapy will change. He has tolerated the Temodar well and it had seemed to be working effectively. Now it seems clear that it is not working anymore.

I do not think that resection (surgery to remove tumor) is very likely and Matthew cannot have any more radiation treatments. A change in the chemotherapy seems to be the most likely course of action from what I understand. Again, we will have no recommendation till the tumor board meets to discuss Matthew on Monday, May 15th. Also pray for the computer business (www.raythepcdoc.com). The last few weeks have been better and it seems to be moving toward an upward climb. Finances have been tight at church and we are depending on income from the computer work to help get by.

Thanks for all your prayers. Keep them up.

Again, the entire e-mail record of our journey with this tumor is available at http://www.bereachurch.org/MatthewFull.htm (it is in two parts). Sorry, our church web page is several months out of date, but this part is current.

In HIS Service,
Ray, for all.

 

Sat, May 13, 2006, 12:03 PM CST

As we prepare to head back to Dahlonega for a few days our hearts are heavy. There is no question that God can heal Matthew if He chooses. There is no question that His grace has been very evident in our lives over the past 16 months with Matthew and his tumor(s). There are many questions about why we are now looking at TWO new areas of apparent tumor activity. God willing, our plans are to all be together this Mother’s day. Next mother’s day... Only God knows. We choose to savor what time we may have.

Another night of sadness and tears. Our confidence remains in the Lord, but we have no sure promise that He will intervene again. If so, we praise Him and continue to enjoy our dear son. If not, we still praise Him and will live on with many precious memories of our wonderful son, and a deep abiding trust in the Lord, and a deep abiding emptiness in our hearts. Only God knows. We can only trust Him and remain faithful.

Our plans are to be with our church family in the morning for Mother’s day service and then to have family dinner at home. We plan to have Mom and Bob over and cook out. We are not having any evening activities at church tomorrow. We decided weeks ago, well before any of this, that Mother’s day should be a family time for all of our church families. It will be a very special time for our family.

Pray for traveling mercies as both Anita and I will be driving back. We have two vehicles up here in Nashville and we need to get them both home. At this point we are unsure what day we will come back, it depends on what we hear from the tumor board Monday evening. Vanderbilt Medical Center is the best. Vanderbilt University is the greatest! The love and support we have received has been incredible! We hope and plan to be here a lot more over the next two years till Matthew can graduate. But, we have no certainties even about tomorrow. Each breath we take is a gift and we are grateful for the time we have had. Am I giving up? No way. I am facing the reality that life is full of many uncertainties. Yet there are also many things that are rock solid and totally certain. We trust in the Lord and rest on the promises of His Word. Beyond that, only He knows.

Thanks for all your love and prayers. Thanks for the many encouraging e-mails. Sorry I have not been able to answer them all, but be assured we read them all. Some of them we read over and over.

Resting in HIS Grace,
Ray, for all

 

Matthew Prince UPDATE – Mon, May 15, 2006, 8:10 PM EDT

We missed the direct contact with the Dr this evening. We did get a message that he would try the other numbers in the file, but our cell phones do not get good service at the house and he did not try the home number. We will call him in the morning.

ADDED AFTER INITIAL EMAIL - In the Drs. defense, I must say that at our meeting last Friday we had expected to be in Nashville and told him that he would be able to contact us via our cell phones. So, it is NOT his fault that his efforts to contact us failed.

Of significance is the fact that we do have an appointment scheduled at 2:15 CDT tomorrow (Tues 5/17) with Dr. Weaver, the surgeon who performed the surgeries last year. We feel confident that this is an indication that they want to do a biopsy of one or both of the areas. We will know more tomorrow.

The weekend went well. The church family was very supportive and we were greatly encouraged by their love. Our Mother’s Day dinner went well. I grilled out and we had a wonderful dinner together. Matthew said his organically grown no hormones no antibiotics steak was really good! I often marinate them in Dale’s Marinade, really gives a great flavor. It was a good day. Some tears, but a good day.

Matthew has not felt well today. He has had nausea and dizziness most of the day. Not been able to keep any food down. We have been told that nausea is to be expected with any kind of tumor activity around the brain stem. Should have more definite information tomorrow afternoon, late. Will post an update as soon as we have anything more to tell.

Again, thanks to all for the love and prayers for Matthew and us. We sure need them.

In HIS Care,
Ray, for all

 

Matthew Prince UPDATE – Tue, May 16, 2006, 7:06 PM CDT

Our meeting with Dr. Weaver was late. It was a very busy day for them and we did not get to see him till just after 3:30 Nashville time. As always, he was very patient and explained the situation in as much detail as we wanted and responded to all of our questions and concerns as well as possible. He has always been very forthright and detailed with us.

The tumor committee met yesterday and they are in agreement that the best thing to do is to get a biopsy to confirm whether or not this is indeed a spreading of the ependymoma. This is the most likely case, but it is best to be sure before determining future game-plan from this point. Matthew, of course, made the final decision, but Anita and I are in agreement that this is the best course of action at this point. They will put Matthew on steroids to attempt to reduce the swelling and give him some immediate improvement as far as vision, facial muscle control, improved balance, and decreased nausea. Steroids usually have this effect, but it is not a guarantee.

They have scheduled the biopsy for this Friday. We do not have a time yet. It will be a four hour procedure with the goal of getting some good tissue samples to determine the pathology of the lesion in the left temporal lobe beneath the site of the original tumor. They do not want to touch the area around the brain stem as it is “very precious real estate” in the words of Dr. Weaver. The risk would be much greater than the potential value of any small amount of tissue that could be removed.

If, as they suspect, this is a spreading of the original tumor, they will most likely make adjustments in the chemotherapy. The temodar has worked well for us to this point, but it would seem that it is no longer working. This is not uncommon as a malignant brain tumor of this kind usually mutates to become resistant to whatever has worked in the past.

The surgery will take about 4 hours. They will not open as large a “hole in his head” as before. The goal is not to remove large amounts of the lesion, only to get a good sample to determine its pathology. Since it seems evident that it has spread from the original site, there are most certainly microscopic links that could never all be removed. Therefore, the only treatment possible would seem to be chemical. Matthew will be in ICU on Friday evening and probably moved to a step-down room on Saturday. Dr. Weaver is taking a sample of the cerebral spinal fluid as I write. There is a possibility that this may also give some valuable information in the diagnosis.

Overall, we are encouraged as a result of our visit with Dr. Weaver. Resection is not a good option in this case; Matthew has already received the maximum lifetime radiation to the head; but, temodar has been very effective in controlling tumor growth for about 9 months and there is hope that something else may work in the future. Once we get the final pathology, we will have a better idea of what our best options may be.

Thanks for prayers. We had a pretty good weekend and our trip today was safe, even though one car did run Ray onto the shoulder of the interstate at one point (right in front of a Dade County Ga deputy, who promptly pulled her over for some one on one conversation).

We are greatly encouraged by the love, encouragement, and support from the body of Christ. Keep praying. God is still on the throne. We have never doubted that. Our hope is in HIM, but we also trust Matthew’s Drs. from an earthly vantage point. They are very good at doing what they can. The Vanderbilt University Medical Center is the greatest! But, they are only human and there are some things that belong to God. The future is HIS. We trust HIM for it. We do not know what the future holds, but we know the ONE who holds the future. We rest in HIS love and grace. It is enough, for now, and it will be enough for later, whatever may come.

I will write more as we learn more.

In the grip of HIS grace,
Ray, for all

 

 

Matthew Prince UPDATE – Thu, May 18, 2006, 2:17 PM CDT

Matthew had all the pre-op procedures done yesterday afternoon, chest X-ray, blood work, EKG, etc. The surgery is scheduled for 1:00 p.m. on Friday, May 19. It should last about 4 hours. They will be going in right at the left temple area around the sideburn. From the MRI’s it looked like the area is about one inch deep in the brain. For the past few weeks Matthew has had more difficulty in his classes in finding the right words to use. His French final exam took him 5 hours. The Vanderbilt faculty has been great in accommodating his special needs. When I talked with him after the test he said that he had difficulty finding and writing the right words. Matthew shared with us and with Dr. Weaver that when he had gone to a local restaurant a week and a half ago, he wanted to order clam chowder, but when he said it, it came out “squid soup”. He knew it wasn’t right, but he just could not say it without a great deal of concentration. He said that his French final was like that. Dr. Weaver said that based on the area of tumor activity that is exactly what would be expected. I have already mentioned that they will not be touching the area around the brain stem. The tumor activity there is causing the double vision, lack of right side facial muscle control, balance problems, and nausea. Matthew has been on a steroid (decadron) since Monday evening with hopes that it would reduce the swelling and give some relief to these symptoms. So far it has not had a noticeable effect. He is taking anti-nausea medication and as long as he does not get up or lay down suddenly he seems to be able to control the nausea. Today, he says that his vision is the worst yet.

The area of the brain from which they will be taking the biopsy controls/stores language skills, so, there is some risk to the his language ability. I joked with the Dr. that he had better not leave Matthew with French, Spanish, and German, but no English! Matthew said that would be OK with him. Dr. Weaver said that we would just have to learn to speak French! Bottom line, we would be glad to take extensive foreign language training if that was all that we had to do to keep our son. Again, we have no certainties in this life except that one day it will be over – for all of us – and the only things that will matter are the things that have eternal value. The reality of this has hit very deeply over the past 16 months.

The uncertainty of life was again brought home as one of the men in our Dahlonega Sunrise Rotary club lost his wife this past Sunday evening. She died very suddenly from either a massive stroke or heart attack or some other such malady. Please pray for Fred Fister as he lays his dear wife to rest today. On the news, we have heard of a woman from Paris, TN (where my Grandparents lived for many years after retirement) who was killed by an alligator while snorkeling in central FL. Life has no guarantees except that it will one day be over. For some, way too soon. All of this should remind us of the words of Solomon as he closed the book of “the Preacher” (Ecclesiastes) – “Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man. For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil” (Eccl 12:13-14).

Surgery tomorrow afternoon, recovery, wait for biopsy results, and most likely (deo volente) a new chemo treatment soon thereafter. Last year as we were researching ependymomas and recurrent ependymoma I came across a web page by a young woman (a Princeton grad) who was also dealing with the same thing. She was in her mid 20's and had also had several surgeries. She claimed to be a believer so we had much in common. She wrote of the treatments she had undergone and was currently undergoing. At one point she wrote, “For now, the chemotherapy is working. If it stops working and we cannot find something else that does, I will die.” With Matthew’s latest recurrence I tried to find her site. I was unable to locate her site by either topic search or a search by her name. We do not know, maybe Carol is with Jesus now. For us, our prayer is that they will be able to find a chemo that will get the tumor activity under control. If we cannot, Matthew will die. Those words sound so harsh and final. He is so young and has so much to offer.

Solomon also wrote, “Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest. I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all. For man also knoweth not his time: as the fishes that are taken in an evil net, and as the birds that are caught in the snare; so are the sons of men snared in an evil time, when it falleth suddenly upon them.” (Eccl 9:10-12).

We ask, “WHY?”. And IT IS OK TO ASK – David did, Jesus did (Psa 22:1; Mat 27:46; Mar 15:34). But, we have learned that there is no easy answer. We live and walk in the light of the things that we do understand but we trust God for those things that we cannot understand. It may not feel like it, but we know that it is... enough. Grace to live, and grace to die. But, grace to let go of a son? I do not like the contemplation of such matters, but find myself unable to avoid such thoughts, and at times I am overwhelmed by them. HE has carried us thus far and we are confident that His grace will carry us through. We just would rather not be in a position of needing that kind of grace, not now, not yet. And we may not need that grace for some years to come, we certainly pray that we do not; but, only HE knows.

Waiting and trusting HIM,
Ray, for all

 

Matthew Prince UPDATE – Fri, May 19, 2006, 5:16 PM CDT

Matthew is out of surgery. The Dr. decided at the last minute to do a needle biopsy which is much less invasive and also quicker. The preliminary pathology indications are that it is the same kind of tumor/lesion. This would indicate a need to change the chemotherapy. We are in the recovery room with Matthew now. He is alert and talking with us. He is a bit drowsy but doing well.

His vision has gotten worse over the past few days and we hope that they can get him started on some new chemotherapy fairly soon. Our concern is that in the past Matthew’s tumor activity has progressed rather rapidly. The tumor activity at the top of the brain stem is our main concern. Dr. Weaver said that he would convey our sense of urgency to Dr. Moots.

Matthew will be going to a regular room instead of ICU and may be discharged tomorrow if all goes well. I will be going home to Dahlonega to preach on Sunday. Anita will be staying with Matthew in his apartment.

Thanks to all for continued prayers. We will let everyone know as soon as we have any more news.

Ray, for all

Fri, May 19, 2006, 7:35 PM CDT

Matthew is in his room and doing well. He wanted a grilled chicken salad from J.T. Alexanders! He is finishing it as I prepare to send this. Pray that we can get started on a different chemo asap and that it will be effective in controlling the tumor growth and reducing and stopping tumor activity. As long as we can find one that works to do this, Matthew will be OK. If not, we trust the Lord and HIS grace, as always.

Ray

 

Matthew Prince UPDATE – Sat, May 20, 2006, 12:20 PM CDT

Matthew has been discharged from the hospital! We are back at his apartment on campus. Ashley and Andrew are on the way, probably about to Monteagle/Manchester about now. We would have been out about an hour sooner but I brought Matthew an Asiago Cheese bagel from Panera for breakfast and it took about an hour and a half to eat! The muscles at the side of his head are very sore from surgery and he had to take very small bits and chew them slowly and softly. Open your mouth and close it while holding your hand on your temple – you will get an idea of which muscles you use to chew and also which muscles were cut some to perform the procedure. Matthew is on the couch resting. Today will probably be a pretty quiet day. Feel free to call. Again, pray that Matthew will be able to get on a new chemo that will be effective ASAP.

Also, please pray for Pastor Russell Ward. Met him and his family this weekend in the hospital. He pastors Calvary Baptist Church in Columbia, TN. He had heart valve replacement last week here at VUMC and is doing well. Pray that the tissue will be accepted well by his body and that it will be effective in resolving the problems he has been having.

Will be at home for a few days so probably will not have much to report till I get back.

Ray, for all

 

Matthew Prince Update – Tue, May 23, 2006, 10:25 PM EDT

I had the opportunity to speak with Dr. Moots nurse this morning. She returned by call in a very timely manner. The Vandy Medical Team has been very responsive to our needs from day one with this whole situation. The University has gone so far beyond even our wildest imagination with all the support they have given our family we have been continually overwhelmed by their kindness. Kaye (Dr. Moots nurse) was able to secure us an appointment on this Thursday at 11:00 AM CDT. This will be the first time we will discuss what further chemotherapy options may be available. I asked her to mention to Dr. Moots some of the combination treatments that have been done at other places. We are basically at the point where our only hope, as far as medical treatment goes, is that we can find something that will be effective on the tumors. Of course as always, our ultimate hope, our certain hope is in the Lord.

As Matthew was in the recovery room Friday we had a good visit with his recovery nurse. She is a believer and shared with us that Matthew had already told her that he placed his faith in the Lord Jesus as a seven year old child. They had discussed his church and her church and their confidence in the Lord before we even got there. We were very encouraged by his witness and testimony for the Lord Jesus Christ. At a time when the veracity of the Word of God is coming under heavy attack, we rest in the certainty and surety of its truth.

I will be driving to Nashville early Thursday morning for the appointment and returning that evening. Someone remarked that it was quite a bit of driving. Just a few years ago when my dad was having some heart problems I had just driven back from Jacksonville when I got the call that due to a change in surgery schedule they were able to do his bypasses the next morning. I got home, told everyone hello and got back in the car and drove straight back to Jacksonville, FL. 800 miles and about 13 hours later, I was back where I had started that morning! Nashville is only a little over 200 miles one way. It takes about 4 hours because of the mountain roads between here and Dalton, but it is still not all that bad. Andrew is finishing up the semester and has final exams on Thursday and Friday. I want to be back here with him on Thursday evening and we will travel back to Nashville on Friday as soon as he takes his last exam.

I have the privilege of preaching at his church in Nashville (Community Bible Church) this Sunday morning. It is always an honor to be asked to fill another Pastor’s pulpit. I look forward to sharing the story of God’s grace in our lives with our brothers and sisters at CBC. Pray that the Word will encourage their hearts as we all wait for God’s will in ours. We share the desires of our heart with our Father when we pray, but like the Lord Jesus we are compelled to pray, “not my will Father, but Thine be done.” That has never been harder than it is right now.

As soon as we know anything else regarding Matthew’s treatment, we will let you all know.

Thanks for prayers.
Ray, for all

 

Matthew Prince Update – Thu, May 25, 2006, 4:15 PM CDT

Had a good trip up to Nashville this morning. Hit some heavy rain as I got to town. Was out of it by the time I got to Vandy. Matthew did not sleep well last night. He is still struggling with dizziness and some vision problems. At a couple of points yesterday, Matthew had difficulty verbalizing his thoughts, the words just would not come out. Dr. Moots thinks he may be having some small non-convulsive seizures and has continued the anti-seizure medication. Matthew was getting some relief from the double vision, so he is also continuing the steroids to reduce swelling in the tumor areas.

They have decided to go with CPT-11 for his treatments. It is in the same general class as Temodar but it works on a different principle. There is a 25% chance that the tumor will shrink, a 25% it will remain stable with no growth and a chance that it will not help at all. The numbers are about the same as they were for Temodar. He is receiving the infusion as I write this. The side effects are most likely no worse than for the Temodar he has been receiving for about the last 9 mos. Pray that It will be effective in causing the tumors to shrink.

I am going home to Dahlonega ths afternoon and coming back up tomorrow. Please also pray for traveling safety.

Ray, for all

Matthew Prince UPDATE – Sun, May 28, 2006, 10:25 PM CDT

Wow! What an overwhelming display of the love of Christ from the Community Bible family! Over and over again, God has confirmed our choice to visit CBC the very first Sunday we brought Matthew to Nashville almost two years ago now. The focus of the morning worship is the expository preaching of the Word of God, except when pastor’s of small Baptist churches in North East Georgia come to share their very real experience of walking in God’s grace in the most difficult time of life yet. Byron zeros in on a passage with a laser like precision, this morning was more of a scatter-gun approach. God honors His Word in that it will always accomplish His purpose in the lives of His people. This is the strength of CBC and the pulpit ministry of Pastor Byron Yawn, the expository preaching of the Word of God.

Have you ever been to a restaurant when the waitress brings water to the table in a pitcher that is totally full? That is how I felt this morning. My heart was so full of love to the CBC family; my life has been so filled with God’s grace and mercy; my mind was so full of thoughts that I wanted to share and Scripture passages that I have hid in my heart through the years . . . As I poured out my heart, it felt like I spilled the water all over the table. Yet God’s grace was evident. Many of the faces were wet, not with water, but with wonderful tears of compassion for our family and as a shared testimony of the grace and goodness of God in the midst of difficult times. His Grace is indeed sufficient. Several came to us both before and after the service and shared of losing loved ones in difficult ways and times, but more importantly of God’s sustaining grace through it all.

I shared that the most important thing a parent can do for a child is to teach them about Jesus. He gave Himself a ransom for us. He carried our sin in His own body on the tree. He took our sin upon Himself that we might be able to receive His righteousness by faith in that sacrifice. Part of what I wanted to get into the “glasses” of people’s lives, but spilled on the way to the table, is something that I prayed for years with all three of our children.

Let me preface by saying that I firmly believe that “little ones” who pass from this life before reaching an age of understanding are “safe” in the arms of Jesus. It may not be precise to refer to them as saved, but I am firmly committed to the belief that they are safe. King David had confidence that his child was with God and the he would see his child again one day. Jesus loved the little children and said, “"Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it at all" (Luke 18:16-17, NAS). Again, Jesus said, “Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven” (Matt 18:10). The heart of Jesus toward the little children was evident.

SOOOO, with that in mind, here is what I used to pray... “Dear Lord, I ask that you will help me to raise my son (daughter) in the nurture and admonition of your Word. I pray that they will understand that they are sinners and that their only hope for eternity is Your love and grace. May they understand that Jesus died on the cross for them and may they trust Him for eternal life as soon as they are old enough to understand. If, in your perfect knowledge of all things, Father, if they are going to reject your free offer of salvation purchased by the precious blood of your Son, well then, please just take them now. Take them before they reach the point of understanding and rejection. Take them while they are yet unaware of sin and judgment. Take them for now that we might have them for ever. We would rather lose them now and have them in eternity than to have them for now and lose them for eternity.” That was my prayer as I held and rocked my babies to sleep. I would rock them and pray. The tears would stream down my face as I prayed for God to make Himself real in their lives and for His Spirit to draw them to the Savior. In God’s grace and mercy, all three of our children have trusted the Lord Jesus as their Savior AND we have got to keep them with us, too... so far. I did not share this at CBC this morning. Who can say if it was a failure on my part or the sovereignty of God? I certainly recognize and acknowledge my failures as a preacher of the Gospel. His Word is so perfect and I often communicate its truths so imperfectly. I am thankful for His grace and mercy in that He uses me at all.

I did share with the CBC family our uncertainty as to the future. We have no idea if this chemo will work. If it does, we will have Matthew for while longer and our lives will be enriched by the joy that he brings. If not, there will be an emptiness the size of the Grand Canyon in our hearts. Yet we also know that God will fill it with His grace. We know this, but I do not feel it. I know that His Grace is and will be sufficient. I feel that if God does not allow us to keep Matthew that our hearts will be so broken that they can never be repaired again. But then, maybe God is not as concerned about repairing our broken hearts as He is about using us in our broken state?

I forgot the part in my sermon notes about Robert Louis Stephenson and the lamplighter. Over a hundred years ago, when he was just a small child, his mother found him staring out the window into the darkness one evening. He was watching the lamplighter come down the street turning the gas valves at each light post, raising the glass, and lighting the street lamp. She asked the child what he was doing. He replied, “I am watching that man punch holes in the darkness.” That is why we are here in this world. To punch holes in the darkest of nights with the light of His love and grace. May God use our family to faithfully reflect the light of His Son. It is our prayer that God may use each of you who read in a similar way to be an inspiration to those lives that you touch.

For now, we await another chemo treatment in two and a half weeks, then an MRI about two and a half weeks later. Matthew has had a pretty good day. He is adjusting the additional handicaps brought by the two new tumors. At night, we have to tape his right eye closed so his cornea does not dry out and get damaged. He has to get up and lie down very slowly or he experiences almost immediate nausea. His balance is off and he needs help with even the most basic routines of life. If he finds that he is able to work on his incompletes, he will stay for another week or two and one of us will be with him pretty much at all times. If he finds himself unable to focus on his studies, we will all go home to Dahlonega this week.

I will write more as things change. Thanks to all for your love and prayers.

Ray, for all

 

Matthew Prince UPDATE – Wed, May 31, 2006, 1:23 PM CDT

We brought Matthew to the ER at Vanderbilt UMC this morning after a brief consult with his neuro-oncologist’s office. This morning, when Matthew woke up, he was unable to speak or use his right arm. At 4:00 a.m he woke up and I took him to the bathroom. Everything seemed OK. At 8:00 he received a phone call. I listened as he answered the call but did not speak. I heard a slurred “Yeah...”. When I went to check on him, it was obvious that he was not doing well. He was able to walk (with help, as it usual now) to the bathroom. He was unable to speak or communicate at all. Most every question I asked got a “yeah”. I called for Dr. Moots’ nurse and she responded with a return call very quickly. We are at the ER and Matthew is getting an MRI as I write this. I will update with more info as we learn more. Oh, BTW, Matthew’s pastor was at the ER waiting for us when we got here! He has taken Andrew for lunch and Anita is back at radiology with Matthew.

Bye for now,
Ray

Matthew Prince UPDATE – Wed, May 31, 2006, 3:39 PM CDT

We have had the preliminary results of the MRI and we believe this problem this morning to be the result of a small seizure of some kind. Matthew is still unable to speak or communicate well. He is able to give “thumbs up” with his left hand, but his responses are not always appropriate. Are you in the hospital in Nashville? Thumbs up. Are you back home in Dahlonega? Thumbs up. When I first went into Matthew’s room this morning, his shirt was wet on the right side and it seemed that he had drooled a good bit (hey, sometimes even I drool on my pillow at night). Since he cannot control the muscles on the right side of his face, I thought it may have been because he cannot close his mouth and keep it closed. We are having to tape his right eye shut at night to keep the cornea from drying out.

He is able to raise his right arm now, though he does not have full control over what it does. This is a significant improvement. This morning he could not move it at all. He will be admitted to the hospital as an inpatient today. I am anxious to see today’s MRI and see a comparison with the last MRI to get an idea of how the tumor activity may have changed.

He is getting an EEG now, that may give a better indication of the likelihood that this was seizure related or not. Will write more as we know more. If you do not hear from us, assume that everything is stable. If there are any significant changes I will send out an update.

Thanks to all for prayers,
Ray, for all.

P.S. If you are receiving this in error, or no longer wish to receive these updates, please reply with the word “UNSUBSCRIBE” in the subject line.

Matthew Prince UPDATE – Fri, Jun 2, 2006, 1:15 PM CDT

Sorry, I did not write yesterday. Things did not change much. It was a difficult day. Our fears seemed to reach another summit. We were uncertain whether we were dealing with effects of the seizure or effects of tumor growth. Again, the neuro-oncologist felt confident that his loss of speech and right side mobility and utility was a consequence of the seizure. As of late afternoon, little had improved and maybe we were a bit too optimistic, but we were pretty discouraged. My fears were that things were on a downhill slide. We had not yet thought about details of arrangements if the Chemo does not work. Yesterday afternoon it seemed that was all I could think about. Do we want to be here at Vandy? Do we want to be home in Dahlonega? and other thoughts that we did not want to be contemplating at this point in all or our lives. No easy way to face the mortality of our children. I know it is not right, but the questions we sometimes ask ourselves is why all this trial and suffering for one of the best and brightest? Why for our son? We do not get too absorbed or lost in those kinds of questions, but I would be less than honest to suggest that we never even took a few brief jaunts into those areas. It was a tough day.

Anyway, yesterday evening Matthew’s strength and utility on the right side had improved. He was able to hold on to the handicap railing in the shower a little and was better able to balance. He was extremely frustrated at his inability to express his thoughts successfully. One of the interns who came in with one of the neurologists yesterday did comment that he was hearing a smattering of German in the midst of gibberish. However, by this morning, Matthew seemed much better able to understand what was being said to him and to repeat words sometimes. For me, the highlight of this latest episode was when Matthew wanted to hold my cell phone and he tried to navigate to the web to browse the McDonald’s menu to order breakfast. When I realized what he was doing I opened the McDonalds site on my laptop. Matthew took it from there and was able to navigate to the breakfast menu and find the pictures of breakfast items and read them out loud and tell me what he wanted. He could not have said bacon egg cheese biscuit on his own but he could read it from the menu and say, “YES!, that is what I want... and a warm cinnamon biscuit... and hash browns.” I was greatly encouraged, hey one of the most important things in our family is being able to tell someone what you want eat!

The neurologists have noted marked improvement. His EEG’s look better, but not quite normal yet. They are going to increase his anti-seizure medicines and continue the decadron to control swelling. He is much better today, but still has not back to where he was before this episode. Physical therapy came and walked around the floor with him and he did well. We will have to stay with him at all times as he cannot walk alone due to imbalance and lack of right side control. But, he is being discharged today and we will go back to the apartment. Matthew has an appointment at the cancer center on Monday to check the level of the anti-seizure medicine in his blood. He will also be starting speech therapy while we are here at Vandy and probably continuing when we get back to Dahlonega.

We are too early to tell if the new chemotherapy is being effective or not. We are staying on schedule to have another treatment with CPT-11 around the 17th of June. We will have more MRI’s about 2 and ½ weeks after that. This will be the first time to really evaluate if the CPT-11 is having any effect on the tumor or not.

Thanks again for continued prayers,
Ray, for all

 

Matthew Prince UPDATE – Tue, Jun 6, 2006, 10:47 PM CDT

Upon my return to Nashville, Sunday evening, Matthew was much improved and he is still making progress. He is able to speak much better and is recovering the use of a greater vocabulary than when I left on Saturday evening. He is able to use his right hand much better. The “sixth nerve palsy” that has caused the loss of muscle control on the right side of his face is not any better; may even be a bit worse than last week. The dilantin (anti-seizure medication) levels are still not where they want them and his medication has been increased again. He is able to do more to care for himself than he was last week. He is not where he was on Wednesday morning at 4:00 AM, but he is much better than he was at 8:00 AM. He seems to have a heightened sense of emotion and he expresses himself very openly. We are glad that he has such a positive attitude. He tells everyone he loves them and is extremely thankful for what may seem like the most simple things. He has developed a real passion for good food! He seems to enjoy everything he eats with a new found sense of taste. Sweets still do not taste quite right, but he is eating everything in sight! He had lost some weight over the past month or so, so he is not getting “heavy” but we hope this insatiable appetite calms down a bit before too much longer.

Tomorrow is my fiftieth birthday. Ashley drove up this morning and all five of us plan to be together for a time of celebration. We tend to take if for granted that the whole family will be able to assemble for birthdays and other special times. We are not taking it for granted this year. We have made very deliberate plans to be together at this time. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us. Times like this make us much more aware of the frailty of life and the gift of each day. One of our church family lost a niece in an accident last Monday. The family was shocked by suddenness of the tragedy and the very abrupt reality of her death. The time that we have had with Matthew over the past 16+ months has been a gift; a time for our family to appreciate the hours that we have with each other. We still hope and pray that this new chemo will work and that we will have Matthew for a while longer, but we no longer take anything for granted.

We plan to return to Dahlonega either late Friday evening or on Saturday. In either case, it will be good for all of us to be home. We expect that we will all be at church on Sunday! It is the second Sunday of the month and that is covered dish Sunday! We warn visitors to be very careful with their food. The rest of us understand that the cooks at our church are so wonderful that if a piece of biscuit should happen to get in someone’s hair, their tongue would just about slap their brain out trying to get to it!

Last Sunday was a good, but difficult day at Berea. We are being forced to deal with the realization that Matthew may not get better and I brought much the same message as the one shared at Community Bible the week before. Anita and Matthew were in Nashville, so I probably shared with greater transparency and less reserve than at CBC. We again sang, “It Is Well With My Soul”. It was a tearful time. The church family was very gracious in expressing their love. This week we will return to our study of the book of Ephesians as we look at chapter 5, verse 11. It will be good to get back to a systematic verse by verse study of The Book. In times of this darkness we cling tightly to the clear light that we do find in God’s Word. We expect to have some family visiting with us this weekend as well. Pray for traveling safety for our family as we travel.

Again, thanks to all for continued prayers. ALSO, thanks for the e-mails. I may not be able to answer all of them, but rest assured that I DO READ ALL OF THEM. Your words are an encouragement and a comfort. Even if you do not know what to say beyond, "we are praying" -- it is still good to be reminded that we are not alone in this struggle.

Ray, for all.

 

MAINTENANCE ITEM:
I have reached the limits of my Alltel online address book. I have had to update my e-mail lists manually. I have added a few names from my database and had to retype many others. IF you are on this list by mistake, or IF you no longer wish to receive these e-mail updates on Matthew, please reply with the word UNSUBSCRIBE in the Subject line. If you were just added to the list and were unaware of Matthew's brain tumor, or the recurrence, you can read the whole story at www.bereachurch.org. Just click the links on the very first page for parts 1, 2, and 3.

 

Matthew Prince UPDATE - Tue, Jun 13, 2006, 7:34 AM EDT

We have been home since Saturday, June 10th. It is good to be home. Anita was with Matthew in Nashville for almost four weeks and the rest of us all made numerous trips to Nashville to be with them during that time. The kindness of the administration and staff of Vanderbilt University continues to overwhelm us, all the way from the top down. Chancellor Gee is on our mailing list and we receive frequent responses from him reminding us that our family continues to remain in his thoughts and prayers. As we were leaving Saturday, I had the privilege of meeting Mary. Mary is the lady who works on Matthew’s floor as a member of the housekeeping staff. She expressed her concern for Matthew and our family. In between are Matthew’s professors who have sent cards and letters, books and other gifts, and many gracious e-mails expressing their love and concern for our family. One of Matthew’s best friends at Vanderbilt was doing some community service in Guatemala for the first part of the summer and returned to the states early in order to be with Matthew for several days. There is no way we could ever detail out the many ways our lives have been enriched by our association with the Vanderbilt family.

As I write we have awakened to help Matthew make the trek down the hall to the restroom. Our house is not that big, but compared to the short distance from the bedroom to the bathroom in his campus apartment, we almost need to pack a lunch for the trip! It is a great struggle for Matthew to walk down the hall. He seems to have less and less control over his legs. It is becoming more of an effort to remember that less than six weeks ago Matthew was walking from one end of the campus to the other for his classes. He probably walked between one and a half to two miles each day. He was in great shape, especially considering his 17 month battle with brain cancer.

Anita has laid down beside him for a while. In a few hours we will going away for a few days. Thursday will be our 27th anniversary. Other than the Lord, our children have been our greatest joy in our lives. It hardly seems possible that we are contemplating what our lives will be like without our middle child. It hardly seems possible that Matthew’s continued presence with us appears to be so dependent on whether or not the two new tumors respond to the CPT-11 treatment he is receiving. It just cannot be that if the treatment is not effective, this past Wednesday was my last birthday at which all of our children will be present. It cannot be, but it is. Sometimes, even my face hurts from crying so much.

My parents, my brother, and my cousin (who is more like a brother) were up to visit this weekend. The church family gave me a birthday cake and Mom and Dad had a tri-fold poster board with pictures of me throughout my life. All the way from just a few weeks old to recent years – pictures of me with family members who have been with the Lord for years now; pictures of me growing up; pictures of our wedding; pictures of our children growing up – wonderful memories, happy times. The most meaningful snapshot at this point in my life was taken about 13 years ago at Bethlehem Baptist, where we had six wonderful years. It was Matthew’s baptism. Water baptism does not make you a part of the family of God, that happens when you place your faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and His substitutionary sacrifice on the cross for our sin. Water baptism is like a wedding ring. It does not make you married, but it says to all that you are married. It is received and worn as a symbol of the vows exchanged between a husband and wife. My wedding ring has shrunk with the passing of time. The years have caused it to grow tighter and tighter on my finger. I had it enlarged a few years back, but it has again constricted to the point where when I take it off to work on the car or something, the impression of the ring is clearly evident on the third finger of my left hand. But then, after all, isn’t that what a wedding ring is supposed to do? Cut off your circulation?

Oh well, back to the photo of Matthew’s baptism. It is a precious reminder of the time when he trusted in the Lord Jesus as his personal Savior. That Jesus died and rose again – is history. That His death paid the penalty for my sins – is salvation. In these days, the knowledge and assurance of Matthew’s faith in the Lord is one of our greatest sources of comfort. The outcome of the chemotherapy is unsure. The outcome of his faith is most sure.

In the picture, I hugged Matthew close to myself as we both stood in the baptistry. It was such a natural thing to do. I find that I am holding him close a lot lately. I think of those we have known who left this life suddenly. No time for good-byes. No time for long hugs. Only time to wish there had been more time. I am certain that we will all wish there had been more time. But I am also certain that we cling tightly to the many hugs we are giving and receiving in these days. These days are precious times. This time is a gift. We are grateful for the time that we have had to know, to really know, that our days are numbered, and that they are too soon over.

Anita’s cousin, Karen, sent us a sweet e-mail a few days back, as she often does, assuring us of their love and prayers for our family. She referred to Philippians 1:19-30. Here are verses 21 and 23 – “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain... For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better...” We know that these words are true. We expect that days ahead will find us clinging ever more tightly to His precious Word. For now we rest in the assurance of His love, His sovereignty, and His wisdom. It has been enough so far. It will be enough in the days yet to come.

Resting in Him,
Ray, for all

Matthew Prince UPDATE – Wed, Jun 21, 2006, 5:47 PM EDT

Today Matthew met with Dr. Moots at Vanderbilt. He was supposed to be receiving another infusion of CPT-11. After visiting for just a little while and evaluating Matthew’s condition, Dr. Moots said that it is evident that the CPT-11 is not working. Matthew has lost more control of the right side and he has lost a good bit of his hearing in the right ear. Dr. Moots suggests that the loss of right side hearing is a result of growth in the tumor that is located at the top of the brain stem. Weakening of the right side is a further indication of tumor growth. The CPT-11 seems to ineffective at this point. Dr. Moots asked Matthew if he just wanted to go home and be with his family or if he wanted to try more medications to see if something might help. Matthew chose to receive more Chemotherapy. The Dr. indicated that there is a very slim chance that it will help. He told Matthew that it is time to tell his family what he does and does not want while he is still able to communicate his desires. Anita and her mother are with Matthew in Nashville. They were all together as they received the news from the Dr. I stayed in Dahlonega because I had many things to take care of. Now, I wish I had gone with them. It has been a productive week, but obviously, my greatest priority is my family.

This past Sunday was Father’s Day. I cried most of the way to church. There was an overwhelming premonition that this was my last Father’s Day with Matthew. Once there, I chose to focus on the needs of others and to minister to them rather than to parade my broken heart before the body. I am very assured of their love and support and I am also very aware that this burden is not ours alone. Yet I just felt that Father’s Day was a time to focus on the Word rather than my own grief as a Dad. My brother John, his wife Julie and their kids Kyle, Kendall, John, and Colton were with us this weekend – it was a good time to be together. We went out together for dinner after church. On the way home I was again overcome with grief. I am sure that there will be a lot of times like that in the days and then years ahead.

OK. Now for the other shoe... I am at the ER at North East Georgia Medical Center in Gainesville, GA. That is where Ashley is an R.N., B.S.N. and works on 4E as weekend charge nurse. We are here today because she is having severe abdominal pain and the Dr. office in Dahlonega said she needed to come to the E.R. They felt that it was something to do with her gall bladder. We have not seen a Dr. yet, still waiting.

Anita is having a very hard time with all of this. We both are. We wept together on the phone for while this afternoon as they were prepping Matthew for his new Chemo. I am glad her mom is there with her. Again, I wish I was there. They plan to come home Friday. Will write more as I know more.

Again, thanks to all for continued prayers.

Ray, for all.

Ashley Prince UPDATE – Thu, Jun 22, 2006, 12:32 PM EDT

Early this morning (1:30 A.M.), Ashley was diagnosed as having a ruptured hemorrhagic cyst on her right ovary. This is not an uncommon condition and the OB/GYN surgeon seems to think that it can be taken care of with laparoscopic surgery. Oftentimes a hemorrhagic cyst will resolve itself within a few days, but sometimes not. The Dr. expects that the procedure will be routine and is confident that there are no indicators for great concern.

Matthew had a restful evening after a very tough day yesterday. Thanks for keeping all of us in your prayers.

Ray, for all.

 

Matthew Prince UPDATE – Tue, July 4, 2006

Dear Family and Friends,

No news is good news. That it what we often hear and it is what I would like to say now. But that is not the case. I have not written because I have not been able to write out the words.

Last Tuesday we met with Dr. Weaver at Vanderbilt. All of the Drs., nurses, aides, and staff at the VUMC have been great. They have loved Matthew and us, and they are loved in return. Yet, from the very first day that we met Dr. Weaver we established a great rapport. Over the past 17 months, our friendship has deepened. It was fitting that when we finally began to absorb the cold hard truth about Matthew’s condition that it was Dr. Weaver who had to respond to the hardest questions. He has never been one to sugar coat the truth, but has always seemed to find the right balance between compassion and reality. The reality is that as far as surgeries, radiation, and medicines are concerned, the brain tumor is winning this battle, decisively. No one at Vanderbilt has ever said, “Matthew has ___ months to live”. They are well aware that some specific details are beyond the scope of human knowledge. Yet some are not. The Dr. was much more gracious than to use these words, but Matthew is dying. Those words are so hard to write. If we can distance ourselves from the reality of our own mortality, the idea is not so cold and hard. In those times when we cannot, nothing is harder, nothing is colder – than death. Yet, we rest in the warmth and tenderness of God’s love and there is comfort there. His love does not take away the deep pain we feel, but He comforts us in its midst.

Yesterday morning, Matthew had a seizure. It lasted for about 10-12 minutes. For about 6-7 of those minutes it was difficult. He never lost consciousness and he continued to communicate with us through out the seizure. All we could do was hold him and cover him to make him warm. It was good to be able to do that. I cannot keep from thinking of the day when we will cover him one last time, not to keep him warm, but because he is no longer warm. In my heart and mind, I have buried my son a thousand times. Unless you have laid a son in the grave you can never understand the pain that we feel and that we are anticipating to worsen. And for those who have buried children we know that we still do not know what you have gone through. Yet we know that as much as possible, so many of our friends and loved ones can empathize with us on the basis of their love for their own children. We are thankful for the love that is being shown us and for the many kind expressions of that love.

We have not given up hope, but I am finding less and less hope in the things that this world has to offer. Our hope is in all that the Lord has in store for them that love Him – 1Cor 2:9 “But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.” We have one more research organization to contact to make sure that there is nothing new that might help. To date, pretty much everyone so far has assured us that to the best of their knowledge, everything that could have been done has been done at Vandy. There are some who suggested, gently of course, that if we had only used 90 day old curdled sterile alpaca milk, or some other such non-traditional treatment... Matthew might have had a better chance... We are taking a number of supplements and juices and these may improve his quality of life, there is nothing that keeps people from dying. All people die. We might be able to live longer by eating healthy and exercising, but all people die. We are learning that our hope is secure in those things that are promised in the Word of God. Neither traditional, nor non-traditional medicine can give that kind of hope. In this we rest.

I was thinking the other day about my frequent use of the editorial “we”. I say “we” are taking chemo... or, “we” are having a good day... The tumor may be in Matthew’s head, but when he got it, I got it, “we” got it, “we” have it. Referring to the chemo, last night Matthew said, “I can’t believe its not working”, “us” neither.

Please pray for Mr. Walfish. Lauren is one of Matthew’s best friends at Vandy. She and several others were planning to come down to Dahlonega today for a 4th of July cookout. Her dad had a mild heart attack a few days ago. I have been unable to reach her, but we hear that he is stable and expected to recover fully. Keep their family in your prayers as well.

As we celebrate the 4th of July today, I am grateful for the freedoms that we enjoy and ever mindful of the blood that has been shed and the lives that have been given to purchase this freedom at the cost of so many lives. I am mindful that these freedoms are still being protected by the lives of our men and women in uniform around the world. Yet, as thankful as I am for these who have given their lives, I am infinitely more grateful for the freedom that is ours in Christ (John 8:36). Our hope for the future, a future that will never end, rests on the basis of the blood that was poured out and the life that was freely sacrificed on Calvary as payment for our sins. This is the basis of our salvation ,the basis for Matthew’s salvation. This is our hope. This brings peace in the midst of deepest sorrow.

We are grateful for the time that we have had. We are grateful for the time that is left. We wish it were longer, but we are grateful for what we have. We are grateful for those who love us and for the many prayers that are ascending to the Father on our behalf.

Ray, for all.

Matthew Prince UPDATE - Sat, Jul 15, 2006, 10:18 PM EDT

We are back in Nashville, for what Matthew referred to as “one last time” while he and Anita were visiting with Doug and April E., some dear friends from Community Bible Church. I was unsure if Matthew would be able to make this trip. He had been scheduled for Speech Therapy, PT, and OT at Pi Beta Phi rehab center here at Vanderbilt. We also wanted to try to get another visit with Dr. Moots, Matthew’s neuro-oncologist.

We met with Dr. Moots on Thursday. He was saddened to see Matthew’s condition. He told us that he had understood that we were now working with Hospice at home in Georgia and asked how he could help. I expressed our desire to make sure that we have exhausted all of our options as far as chemotherapy is concerned and to see if we could get an MRI to check the condition of the tumors. He said that an MRI seemed like a reasonable thing and we just had it this afternoon. We will not know the results till sometime next week. We have a Wednesday appointment with Dr. Edgeworth, another one of Matthew’s Drs. here at Vandy. We hope that Matthew is strong enough to stay in Nashville till then, but he grows weaker by the day.

He did go for the Occupational Therapy and Speech Therapy on Friday. He did well, but was exhausted. They have been kind enough to give us breaks between his sessions and allow him to lie down and rest for a couple of hours. He was too tired to do the PT on Friday. The therapist worked with us to make sure that we were using good “transfer practices” to lift and move Matthew from bed to wheelchair, etc. He is scheduled for Therapy on Monday and Tuesday. He is very determined to keep as much use of his body as possible. He seems concerned that part of his weakness is somehow a result of his failure to be diligent with his exercises. Both Dr. Weaver a few weeks ago and Dr. Moots on Thursday assured him that his weakness is a result of tumor activity and not laziness. All more exercise would have done was make him more tired. I feel that the PT and the OT will only serve to wear him out, but it is what he wants and he is very determined (still) about how he wants to do things. I brought in a T-shirt and sweat pants to help him get dressed for his appt on Thursday. He held up his left hand in the “STOP” position and very clearly said, “NO. I want to wear regular clothes!” Friday evening, he was in his wheel chair and I had locked the wheels so it would not roll as protection for him. As he was unlocking the wheels to move, I said, “Matthew, wait just a minute and I will help you.” He replied, “Technically, this is my apartment, so I can go anywhere I want.” He was very polite, but his resolve was clear, as he reached across with his left hand to unlock the right wheel!

Earlier this week, we were uncertain if he had the strength for another trip to Nashville and I was hesitant about committing. He said, “Dad, it is OK, if Mom is too tired and you don’t have the money to go back to Nashville again.” Tears filled my eyes as I told them that it had nothing to do with money or being tired, but what he was strong enough to do. I told him that if he wanted another trip to Vanderbilt and to CBC, we would do whatever it took to make it happen.

Tomorrow, we plan to go to church at CBC. Matthew is not able to hear much that is amplified electronically. He cannot understand people on his new phone. He could not understand my preaching week before last at Berea. He cannot understand TV. The speech therapist tried a type of hearing aid, it did not work either. The last Sunday that Matthew was at Berea, I well knew that he would be unable to hear me. Yet I also knew that he would be able to hear the many beloved friends who would speak slowly and clearly near his left ear. He very much wanted to be at church, not for the music, or even for the message, but for the fellowship. There are many reasons to go to church. For me, the top one is the preaching, to hear from the Word of God, expounded by the man of God. Tomorrow I would love to be able to be fed from the expository preaching of Word by Pastor Byron Yawn. Yet, Matthew will not have the energy to sit through a service and still be able to visit with those he loves and who love him. So, we plan to arrive near the end of the service. I am mostly sure that I will cry just about the whole time I am there, even as I am crying as I write. Perhaps it is better that we not come till the end anyway. I do not want to be a distraction from the service.

Why the tears? Dr. Moots told us that there is nothing left that has much chance of helping Matthew and that even if there was, he is probably too weak to stand it. The trick with chemotherapy is to kill the cancer without killing the person. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Dr. Moots knows that any more chemo has little chance of helping but great certainty of making what time is left much more difficult. He clearly told us that he believes that Hospice can do the most for us at this point. Why the MRI? While it is not likely to change his determination that Matthew’s treatment has come to an end, it can give us an idea of how far the cancer has progressed. I struggle with whether I even want to know how much the tumors have grown. From Matthew’s condition it is evident that they have. I was tearful as I held his hand during the MRI today. This is the first one of his that I have been with him for. He was unable to get from the wheel chair to the MRI bed without a great deal of help. The MRI technician was very kind and offered words of encouragement. “Matthew is young, he is strong. He can fight this.” He HAS fought, long and hard, with great determination. The battle has worn him down to where that he cannot even hold himself up anymore. When we put him on the bed, or the couch, we have to be careful to support him so that he does not topple over. The right arm has almost no strength and the left is very weak.

How can you come to the point where you say of your son, “We have fought the good fight. We have almost finished the course”? I do not know. I cannot find the words.

Matthew is not able to visit much. He does not have the strength. It was very hard to say to one of the CBC families that has been so faithful to love us through this most difficult time, “Thank you for your love and for your offer of a visit. But, Matthew needs to rest.” Carol S. faithfully delivered food to us while we were at the Towers last spring, recovering and rehabbing and finishing up the semester. So many have stood by so faithfully and loved us. Pastor Byron and his family took time out of their vacation to come and visit us in Dahlonega! That is what love is all about. Our own church family has loved us so deeply. Everyone wants to know what they can do to help. We ALL feel so helpless in the face of these brain tumors. Ultimately, beyond loving, being loved, praying, and being prayed for, there is just not that much left to do.

Our hope is in the Lord. In this we rest. We are deeply loved by our family and friends. This is a great comfort and encouragement. Keep us all in prayer, and thank you.

Ray, for all

 

Matthew Prince UPDATE - Tue, Jul 18, 2006, 2:39 AM EDT

We are back in Dahlonega. We had planned to stay in Nashville through Wednesday, but Matthew has grown so much weaker that we dared not stay away from home any longer. When that sad day comes we want to be together, at home, with our loved ones. I must confess that over the last few days there have been a few times that I feared we would not make it home in time. Tracy, Dr. Weaver’s nurse, stopped by for a visit after she got off work today (actually, yesterday now). After spending a little while with Matthew, she advised us that if we wanted Matthew to be at home with his family when the time comes, we needed to leave soon. Her words were not words we wanted to hear, but they were words of truth and compassion. So many at Vandy have loved us so fully. The doctors, nurses, and staff have been great in what has been the toughest time of our lives. The faculty and administration has been absolutely incredible. All of these are pipelines, conduits if you will, to pour kindness and compassion into the life of our son and our lives.

Pastor Byron had also been by for a visit and he, Lauren, and Wade helped us get packed and loaded. Then Doug S. from Community Bible came to help, too. As we were taking one of the last loads to the car, I thought of Byron’s faithfulness to love our family. Many have ministered to us in so many ways, but he has been a true “shepherd” for Matthew and our family. As I thought of his and his families loving care for us, I was reminded of John’s words as Jesus spent His last hours with His disciples – knowing that the “hour was come... having loved his own which were in the world, he loved them unto the end” (John 13:1). Jesus knew that His time was at hand and He faithfully spoke final words to His disciples. Knowing that Matthew’s time is at hand, Byron has loved Matthew and us, all the way to the end. That is what servant does, he faithfully carries out the task given by the Master. We are blessed.

The service at CBC on Sunday, or at least the part that we made it for? “Amazing”, to use one of Matthew’s favorite words. Byron had asked if we would come to the front at the close of the service for prayer. The close of the service was about all we made it for. Matthew did not have the strength for any more. Yet even at that, he later asked, “Dad, why were we so late?”. He was clearly unhappy that he had missed the service. His total fatigue at the close of our time with the CBC family was confirmation that I had made the right call. As we were invited forward for prayer, Byron leaned over and hugged Matthew. I did not catch all that Matthew said, but I clearly heard the words, “one last time”. As weak as he was; as tired as he was; Matthew had an incredible desire to be with his “Nashville Church Family”. I fully believe that it was his main reason for the trip.

Matthew had an MRI on Saturday. Dr. Moots called us Sunday and told us that there is clear tumor growth. The area just inside the temple that was about the size of a grape, and not clearly defined a month ago is now about the size of a walnut (2-3 CM) and clearly defined. There is another tumor about the same size just to the outside of the original tumor location. The loss of right side strength (arm and leg) is a result of this tumor. Loss of clear speech and communication ability is a result of the tumor growing in the warnakee (sp?) area of the brain. The tumor activity at the brain stem has not progressed as rapidly, or Matthew would already be gone. But, the time is short. He is not able to swallow very well at all and taking meds (crushed and mixed with watery jello) is become nearly impossible. When he can no longer receive the meds that are keeping the swelling down in the brain I am afraid he will go quickly.

The past few days, we have been again subject to those frequent uncontrollable spells of the deep gut-wrenching sobbing that we went through when we first got the news 17 months ago. I am sure they will continue for some time. I really do not ever want them to leave. I never want to stop grieving over my son. I hope that every thought of him brings both a smile over the many wonderful memories that we hold dearly and tears over all the memories that never were. I almost feel that I measure the length and depth of my love by the length and depth of my pain. It seems endless, and I hope that it is, as least for as long and I walk in this body of flesh. Too often I hear people speak of moving on. I prefer to continue pressing ahead, but I hope I never move on from the people I have loved and who have loved me.

I could be wrong, but it seems to me that the whole testimony of the Word of God is that we need to remember it all – the good, the bad, and the ugly. We emulate the good, avoid the bad, and learn to love those who may seem unlovable. Isn’t remembering the main lesson of Hebrews 11? What about all those who messed up? Paul told Timothy, “Demas hath forsaken me, having loved this present world.” Wow. 2000 years later we still have the written record of this betrayal. Forget it and move on? Hardly fits with a balanced view of the Word of God. How about this – “Remember, learn, and walk in HIS grace.” If I forget the pain of the past isn’t that a little bit like saying, “God, it really did not matter all that much to me anyway.” I hope the battle scars that we carry never ever disappear. That would be like saying the battle wasn’t really all that important anyway. Think about this, after thousands of years we will still be able to look at the hands and feet of Jesus and ask “What are these wounds in thine hands? Then he shall answer, Those with which I was wounded in the house of my friends.” If the wounds from those we loved who hurt are forgotten, isn’t that a little like saying that THEY really did not matter all that much anyway? May we never walk down that path... (Oh well. You can take that and think on. I have. Still processing most of it. Sorry if it is a bit unrefined. I am only 50. If the Lord gives me a few more decades, maybe I will figure it out better.)

The Lord has been faithful all along, and we know that His faithfulness is eternal. Again, in these truths we are resting. That does not mean that we do not have great sorrow and even some anxiety. It means that in the midst of our sorrow and brokenness, there is a sure and certain hope. It is no longer a hope that some different medicine will stop the tumor growth and allow us to keep Matthew a little while longer, but it is a hope that Matthew will completely and totally healed, of all his suffering from living in a sin cursed body – total and final healing, the moment he enters the glorious presence of the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world. This is our hope; this is our peace; this is our joy – even as we dread the increasing sorrow that is steadily growing closer.

Pray for loved ones as they travel to Dahlonega to be with us in this time. Pray that, God willing, they may make it in time to see Matthew while he is still with us and able to know the warmth of their touch. Pray MOST of all that any who do not know HIM, will come to trust in HIM as the all sufficient sacrifice for their sin, and therefore never have to tell Matthew “good-bye”. For those who know the Lord Jesus, we most certainly feel as though it is “good-bye”, but we know that in full reality it is only “We’ll see you later.”

Ray, for all.

Matthew Prince UPDATE – Thu, Jul 20, 2006, 4:29 AM EDT

To all of our many Dear friends,

God has completely healed our son, finally, once for all. Matthew is with Jesus this morning at about 3:45 A.M. EDT.

Thanks for all the love and prayers.

Ray

 

Matthew Prince UPDATE – Thu, Jul 20, 2006, 8:49 AM EDT

Dear Friends,

Matthew is with the Lord. We have many precious memories and so many wonderful expressions of love in kind replies to Matthew's Updates.

Many of you have wonderful memories of our son. If you would be able to put some of these into words and send them back as replies to this e-mail, we would be very grateful. If you are not sure that we will clearly recognize who you are, please give us a brief explanation as to how you know us. These memories and thoughts would help us as we treasure our own memories and add your thoughts to ours.

Matthew's Dad,
Ray

 

Matthew Prince UPDATE – Thu, Jul 20, 2006, 9:58 AM EDT

Thanks for all the kind thoughts about Matthew. If you have not yet written and would be willing to share a personal story about Matthew or something else about what Matthew meant to you, please send it back as a reply.

Visitation will be at the Banister Funeral Home on HWY 19 Bus, Dahlonega, GA from 7:00-9:00 on Friday, July 21 and from 6:00 to 8:00 on Saturday, July 22. The funeral service will be at the Dahlonega Baptist Church, 234 Hawkins St., Dahlonega, GA 30533 at 3:00 P.M. on Sunday, July 23rd.

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me by e-mail or phone.

Ray

 

Update on Matthew’s Family –

I think I may chronicle the next few months of our lives without Matthew. I do not want to be morbid or to spread sorrow, yet some have shared that our words have been a source of encouragement as they have faced their own struggles. I also know that many who have faithfully read the e-mails and prayed for Matthew and our family are grieving with us. Maybe it will help if they share, to the degree possible, the journey in dealing with our loss. If you are getting this by forward from someone else and would like to receive it directly, please e-mail me at rjprince@matthewprince.net. If you are getting this and do not wish to receive it, please reply with the word UNSUBSCRIBE in the subject line.

 

Sat, Jul 29, 2006, 1:01 AM CST

It has been 8 days. Packing up was hard. All of the stuff of his life for the past 2 years, fit in the back of Ashley’s four-runner and the trunk of our car. It hurts to remember. Little things remind me, straws, medicine...

I often cry as I think of him. I compartmentalize and do the daily stuff. Out of my mind for a little while. Then I think of him again. It hurts to think of him, but I think it would hurt more to not think of him. I think of his great love for people. He was greatly loved by so many, me, Anita, Ashley, Andrew, his grandparents, my grandma... He spent time around older people and was comfortable around them. This showed in the way he treated older people, he could relate to them. He had a quiet self confidence that may have been the result of us somehow finding the balance between doing things for him and teaching him to do things for himself. His trip to Europe in 8th Grade was a great lesson in dependence and independence. It was hard to let him go. Would have been harder to have tried to keep him from going. Lots of people gave to make that happen, too.

Overwhelmed by the great number of people that came to the funeral home, both nights, and to the funeral. There was a finality to packing up his apartment. It did not take long, but finishing up the last bit was hard. It felt like we were closing a chapter in our lives, we were. It was a chapter we did not want to close. Do not want to close the book on Matthew. If it stops hurting I want to look at pictures and feel the hurt again. He did not want us to get lost in the sorrow. He told Byron he was worried about us. How long is the right time to grieve? Do you ever stop grieving? or is it just that you get better about doing the things that you must do in spite of your grieving? I think the latter. I cannot imagine any parent ever getting to the point where they do not grieve over the loss of a child.

Book, “Good Grief”. It is good. It helps us remember how much we loved. If love could keep alive, Matthew would never have died, someone wrote that. The house seems very empty. At times, for a while, I can focus on things and it is like he is away at college. I know he is not. We just cleaned out his apartment. Before that, we buried him. We have been back to the cemetery several times. We know his body lies there. We know the part of him that was Matthew is with Jesus. That knowledge is a comfort. We sorrow, but not as others who have no hope. Going away for a few days, all four of us. Neighbors close will watch the house and feed all the animals.

Thought Malachi would calm down after we had so many coming and going over the past week. He got pretty excited when someone drove up this afternoon. He has never bitten anyone. Delivery people are very cautious around him. Not at all your typical Lab. Dog behavior specialist/trainer said that he probably did not get good socialization as a puppy. We watch him closely anytime someone comes to the house. Once he knows that we know them he is OK. Mailman is afraid of him. Will not get out of vehicle at our house for any reason. Leaves package notices in our mailbox if we do not come out when he honks the horn in our driveway. Anyhow, it will be good to get away for a few days.

It is strange that four of us is now all. It has been five of us for almost seventeen years, ever since Andrew was born. Now it is four. I love them all, but I miss Matthew. Driving behind the hearse, I said to Anita, “It is not right that my son is in that box. It should be me. He should be burying me. I should not be burying my son.”

I thought that I would want to take off for a week and backpack. After he was gone, all I wanted to do was hold as tightly as possible to the rest of us. I will probably have some real issues letting Andrew go to do the things that 17 year olds need to do with their friends as part of growing up. I trust him, but there is a new fear of losing him. I have always wanted all of the kids to call to let me know where they are and what they were doing. Not the FBI, but just a concerned Dad wanted to know they were OK. Other day, Andrew did not answer his cell phone. I was not sure where he was. I kinda felt panicky till I found out what he was doing. When he called, I felt very good to hear his voice on the phone. When Ashley is out late (after all, she is 23) I still worry about her. All of us getting away for a few days will be good.

 

Mon, Dec 25, 2006, 5:36 AM EST –

Matthew Prince, his first Christmas with Jesus. It seems more right to think of it as our first Christmas without Matthew. It feels much more like that for me than his first Christmas with Jesus. The grieving has been intense. His reality of his absence seems a continuing presence with us. Never is he far from my thoughts. I can be busy doing the things that I do and then all of sudden my mind is filled with a moment of strong memory, what his Uncle Rob called a “Matthew moment”.

Sitting in the dentist chair last week, I thought of Matthew. It was not that long ago that he sat in the same waiting room, walked down the same hall and sat in the same chair to have his teeth cleaned. Matthew was very particular about his teeth and his breath. He did not like for his mouth to feel stale. I remember once as I was caring for him, after the final tumor recurrence, he said to me, “Daddy, fix your mouth.” My breath was stale, to put it nicely. Matthew did not say, “Wow, Dad. You have really nasty breath.” Nope, it was “Daddy, fix your mouth.” The memories of all the things that we talked about. The memories of him playing the piano at the annual church Christmas party for all those years. The memories of him opening presents on Christmas morning. Yep, feels more like our first Christmas without him than his first Christmas with Jesus.

I have often said that feelings are not right or wrong, feelings just are. Some thoughts come unbidden into our hearts and minds and we cannot do much about it. Feelings change as time changes. I guess it is true that some feelings can be cherished and nurtured in a way that makes them wrong. A lustful thought can pop into anyone’s minds, a thought of anger or violence. This is not wrong. If we feed those thoughts it can become wrong. So with the thought that feeling just are, we have these feelings of deep emptiness and loss. The tears still come and flow freely and abundantly. I do not go to the cemetery every day any more. I do not follow a particular schedule with my grief or my thoughts of Matthew, it is pretty much unstructured. There were certain times and seasons when my Grand-dad and Grand-ma would make the trip to my Mother’s grave. It was a time for remembering and a time for reliving the sorrow of her loss. Perhaps the nurturing of our sorrow is one of the ways that we keep the memories refreshed. Pain can be a much more intense feeling than pleasure. In the memories we have both. The pain of the loss and the pleasure of the happy memories.

I am thinking more of the happy memories now than the sad ones, but still cry at both. I do not want that to ever change. I hope it does not. Feelings come to all of us. All kinds of different feelings. Some can tempt us to do wrong, some remind us to do right. Some feelings remind us of the time when doing right feels really good. Feeding the homeless or taking care of lost and found animals are things that give us a good feeling. Sometimes doing the right thing does not feel good at all. I remember the times when I disciplined Matthew for doing wrong. It was the right thing to do, but it did not feel good. Doing the right thing, even when it does not feel good is what builds character into our children. When I make cappuccino at home, I remember scolding Matthew for not cleaning the cappuccino maker very well. At times I wish I had just not said anything at all, and then I remember that those moments of correction and admonition helped to make Matthew into the young man that he was. I know that sometimes I was less loving than I could have been, but God’s grace intervened and the finished (well not quite finished) product was a son that was the result of the desires of my heart more than my actions as a father. God was gracious, and the glory goes to Him.

Well, let me finish what I started about feelings. They are not right or wrong, they just are. It is what we do with them that makes them right or wrong. We make choices. Will I do what I feel, or will I first test my feelings by the moral compass of the Word of God? Does it matter to me what the Bible says about how to express my feelings? Circumstances and feelings happen to all of us. Circumstances and feelings are a part of life. I think that God is more concerned about our reaction to the circumstances than He is about the circumstances themselves. We often focus more on asking Him to change the circumstances when He is more focused on using the circumstances to change us, to cause us to be more conformed to the image of His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ. He wants us to be like Him.

Circumstances can help shape us, it we do not fight against the circumstances that are from God. If you are in the midst of bad circumstances that you can change, by all means change them. If you are in the midst of bad circumstances that you cannot change, trust God to sustain you in them and to perhaps use those difficult things to teach you more about trusting Him and resting in His love. That is what we are doing now. We cannot change the fact that Matthew is gone. We all fought the cancer for as long as we could. We sought the best help, the best Doctors, the best treatments. We had the best, but all of us found ourselves unable to change the circumstances of Matthew’s illness. So we clung to what was left. Our faith in God. Our belief that our hope to one day rest in His presence depends more on the manger and the cross, than on our own works of righteousness.

If our eternal destiny depended on what we could do that would impress God, we would have no hope. His righteousness is so far above even our comprehension that to approach Him on the basis of our own righteousness would be self-delusion at best. The only way we can approach Him is on the basis of the birth of Jesus to die on the cross and full and final payment for our sins. In this we rest. In this we hope. In this we are comforted. So as we celebrate the Christmas season without Matthew and sense the deep absence of his smile and his laugh, we rejoice in that God did not remain absent. Rather, God chose to be present. Born of a virgin in Bethlehem. Immanuel, God with us. Because God came to be with us, we can one day be with Him.

In many world religions the emphasis is upon what sacrifice the worshipers can make to their god. Some religions emphasize the sacrifice of your life for your faith. If you give your life to the cause and sacrifice yourself to win the war, you will gain a sure place in the highest heaven. Some religions actually involved human sacrifice. You can even read about the human sacrifices in Israel before the Jews were given the land as part of God’s eternal promise. It has just recently occurred to me that Biblical Christianity is the only faith where our God has died for us that we might live unto him. If there is another like this, I am unaware of it. Jesus came to this world that He might offer Himself as the pure spotless lamb of God. John calls Him “the lamb slain from the foundation of the world” (Rev 13:8). He died for us. It is reasonable that we should live for Him. He has given us the sure hope of seeing Matthew again. Yes, we sorrow now, but we look forward to a day of reunion and rejoicing. Indeed, “What a day that will be, when my Jesus I shall see; when I look upon His face, the One who saved me by His grace; When He takes my by the hand and leads me through the promised land; what a day, glorious day, that will be.” Till then, we are missing Matthew and longing for His return to call us unto Himself. This is the blessed hope of believers.

To our friends and family, we wish for you God’s richest blessings and all the very best this Christmas. We pray that His love will surround and sustain you, as He has surrounded and sustained us. Hard times have come, but His grace is ever present. In this we rest. In this we are comforted by the God of all comforts. Rejoice, for unto you is born a Savior, Christ the Lord (Luke 2:11). He is the source of all comfort, not the stuff of this world that seems to take the most of our energy and attention. This Christmas, let us rejoice in the greatest gift in all the world, the Gift of Salvation to all who will believe on Him (John 1:12).

 

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

This Saturday (March 10th) would have been Matthew's 21st Birthday. I am in Los Angeles for the Shepherd's Conference at Grace Community Church. I plan to fly out late Friday night and arrive in Atlanta early Saturday. It will be a day to spend with the family, a day to grieve. I will probably write some of my thoughts.

 

(Click here to go to Part 1)

(Click here to go to Part 2)

(Click here to return to the HOME PAGE)